I wrote this article after relaunching the past backup in a free hosting. But they suspended my account saying malicious content and gave me following screen shot. I asked ChatGpt, it said malicious content in background could be false positive of many CSS, html scripts etc because it was perfectly fine in previous paid hosting.
I told them this and asked them to give me a copy of my database atleast. But instead of replying they blocked my login as well.
So I am not going to write it again. You can guess with the images.
I can tell you the gist. I consume to make myself vulnerable to the rat race people who think a teacher does not do anything and sits idle when in reality it’s teacher who is most active and All other are just reactive which is not even an action at all. Without the teacher the so self believing social and active people will have no life at all. I do so to make connections with very stupid people because they have such strong ego defence that I can never directly approach them. When people think the work is done, it is actually when my work starts to raise their level because teacher has to come down. Student will never come up on its own. A teacher has to make connection and work 24×7 to make that connection two way. He cannot just stop the whole world with a blow of wind through his mouth like a superman. He has to use a lot of wind by talking endlessly. Students leave no other room for other activity for the teacher because they are not unorthodox like him.
If I don’t consume I loose connection and their level falls further low for which I have to be much more vulnerable. I have to allow even swords and sticks. It’s me only who has to face violence.
How I make myself vulnerable?
By consuming traditionally socially unacceptable things. Done even in private it becomes unexplainable immediately even to me. Unclear state is not the best state.
If nothing is available I have to consume content. I try to keep it as study related as possible. Why watch reels when you really want to watch is porn.
But it also becomes a study material for me if I am not consuming sufficiently. Studying though is socially acceptable but is unacceptable if you want friends. Why make 100 male friends when what you really want is sex.
Let me explain. One thing I do not accept and not ask anyone else to accept is to do anything without any proper reason because we are born with this ability to use and not put in in dustbin.
News for example is not suppose to be for dopamine but it is. So I have to either ignore such news or be self sufficient in dopamine to watch and comment on such news. For example The Nepal tragedy and Delhi PG hostel tragedy.
I have been trying to make news watchable as study for reason beyond why it is watched by all, which is Sex. Yes all, no one excluded except me. It’s not at all mentally stimulating for me but mentally exhausting. I don’t even use live chat for what it is used by all. Chemical hookups !!
I have no interest in BJP or Congress boring agenda. I try to make it interesting to me so that I can get involved in it and make it better because it is bad. There are ample reason to make it better.
It’s just a hobby I do for higher purposes than just surviving. Actually it is surviving only but collectively and not selfishly.
When I do socially unacceptable things even in private I do not feel completely strong inside no matter how much self assurance I give myself allowing opportunists to hit me or my kind and get connected to me.
And I questioned myself many times if it is over dozing or under dozing that causes such incidents because the observer is observed. But never found clear answer till now when Delhi PG hostel incident took place.
See I have to do something or the other. I cannot just sit idle. Any activity I do requires sufficient level of dopamine to do it comfortably. I will not say correctly because I can do correctly. Infact more correctly when not on sufficient dopamine. I was a topper in IIT G. But I killed two people for sports. Three actually if I count my step mother.
Coming back to doing things. Some things are just too boring for me. Infact it is with anybody who tries any new thing because it’s not sex for him. But if I find it important I anyhow develop interest by consuming whatever is available that do not harm any other body than me.
I don’t like doing drugs or pills but it helps so I do it. Whether it is really a medicine or not a medicine but poison for me is different topic. My conditioning and experience don’t make me like it.
So one thing is clear that I only do it when I am really unable to form interest in something of great importance. For example leading my Schizophrenic mother or codependent sisters, Leading news anchors. Yes I lead them. They have no idea what they are doing but holding place of great importance from where I stand by displacing the real contender by luck such as DD or not luck like my Family. I should now openly say that I should be the head of my family.
Anyway I only do it so as to forget I am the leader. Only then I can really lead such delusional people. But I write it here so that they know what I forget.
When I was in Kalpakkam inside the room I found only news as doable or worth paying attention. But it was hard. I had just lost my endorphins system, my step mother. Plus my real schizophrenic mother was short of endorphins so literally made me a bonded labour. I had to do quadruple dose of every thing drugs or pills. Which one is which I don’t know.
Then Alfala incident happened but intuitively I didn’t questioned my dosing because I was very well convinced it’s do or die situation.
But US Iran war made me question myself. So I kept pills and drugs at same level but started reducing dopamine from food. But situation did not improved and got even worse. By the way I was not doing it to improve the situation but keep myself interested in the work and see it’s effect.
The latest Nepal and PG hostel incident has convinced me it’s not over dozing but under dozing that causes such incidence. But to accept that I shoud treat and make you also see everything dopamine producing as drug.
During the last months before director’s arrival on my door I started creating a little of what people call life, though it is drug only. But I did it my way. I started going to nearby lakes occassionally taking bath. Going to nearby temples where people could see me so that I could feel that I interacted with people. Start capturing special moments in writing and things in photographs. Actually I even survived without any pills or drugs for some days and only these activities and some noodles and cold drinks. I use to tire myself so much that cold drink tasted, sorry not tasted functioned like wine. Even water was so satisfying. But physically I struggled. I even fainted one day and almost fainted on some other day. I turned water to wine like Jesus atleast for myself. I myself was the drug for myself at that time like shiva.
So it’s not drugs that describes Shiva. Shiva is the drug himself. It’s us who make him do drugs.
Why I say it’s Underdosing that causes such incidents is because this time I have reduced drugs and pills and physical labour but not food. So it is reduced dosing in doctors language but the outcome is same. Tragedies.
I am on house arrest from two weeks. I have not stepped out of my house so no chance of drugs. I have also reduced pills to prescribed level, didn’t jacked off. An if I did I did it dissatifyingly only to test. I consume whatever is available that do not harm any other body to not loose interest because that’s the path I have chosen. I can only do it in as much socially acceptable way as the social allows me. Are you catching my point.
I will write and post this but not forget this time because it will require drugs of all kinds which I severely lack at present. It will make me loose interest in things I am not in habit of doing naturally. I am only telling you all to not blame me later.
One of my drug is creative work and studies. I can do it till death. All other that happens now is completely on you.
Actually no Now I have a nephew. Please someone explain this to my mother.
Otherwise give me more freedom. I want freedom from Ego, my mother not freedom for Ego, again my mother. That’s what scriptures also says.
And who gives doctors MBBS in psychiatry in India. They give me antipsychotics. Do I look psycho to you. I know psychology and Psycho LoG. Is the definition of not psycho, behaving in socially acceptable even if it is murder. Killing Human is murder but killing animal is normal. And if someone says killing any living if avoidable is murder he is psycho. The more unimportant life he stands for the more psycho he is.
What a wonderful world !!
Bird in sky is God’s love. Bird in cage is our love !!
This is a unfairly deleted article. It’s therefore a nuclear weapon. Just believe me. Don’t get into those Maths !!